


Envy is Green

by sunkelles



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, Drabble, F/M, Het
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 06:11:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5616550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunkelles/pseuds/sunkelles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Rey envies Kylo Ren.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Envy is Green

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little drabble because I have a lot of feelings about this subject.

Her battles with Kylo have increased in frequency. No one ever really gets hurt, but they always manage to shake her up. Even when she and Finn get back to the base, she still feels herself reeling. Rey can feel the rage swirling inside her, like the enormous sandstorms that howl on Jakku. It’s bitter and hot, and she’s not sure if she can quell it. Finn looks like he’s willing to listen. Rey’s been holding all of this in for a long time, and she wonders if talking about it will help. She’s never really had someone to talk to before she met Finn.

“I really wish that he’d leave us alone for a few days,” Finn says. He says it jokingly, but his face sobers when he sees the look on Rey’s face.

“I hate him,” she says, and Finn doesn’t have to ask who _he_ is. Who else is there for her to hate?

“I hate him,” Rey repeats, her voice thick with anger, “he had everything, and he just- he threw it away.”

“Rey,” he says softly, “you’re making the lights flicker.” Rey inhales, and exhales, trying to calm herself. The lights stabilize, and so does her mood. She can still feel the ghost of her rage and hatred, though, and it isn’t a minor beast. Kylo Ren had everything that Rey had ever wanted, and then he stabbed a lightsaber through it. She can feel her feelings start to churn again, and the lights flicker. She tries to steady her breathing again.

“Is this about Han?” Finn asks, gently.

“Maybe?” Rey says, not sounding sure, “at least a little bit.” It’s not entirely about Han. It’s about _everything_. Ben Solo had a family that loved him, parents from prestigious backgrounds, and an insane amount of privilege Rey could only dream of. And he chucked it all into the void because of the allure of the dark side. Rey has Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber, four months of Jedi training, and Finn. She doesn’t know if she’s strong enough.

“He had everything that we never had,” Rey says, the words tasting like vomit in her mouth, “he had _Han_ as a father.” Rey only spent a day with the man, but he was still the closest thing that she’s ever known to a father. She would have done anything to swap places with Ben Solo.

“Master Luke told me that jealousy and anger were gateways to the dark side,” Rey says, with a bitter little chuckle. This envy is one of the most potent emotions she’s ever experienced, and she fears.

“I don’t think that has to be true,” Finn says.

“My jealousy is something really, really dark, Finn,” she says, “I don’t know if I can keep it at bay sometimes.” She wonders if the next time they battle, she won’t end up killing him.

“Oh come on,” Finn says, “I get jealous of Poe’s, well… I get jealous of Poe’s everything. Doesn’t mean I’m going to shoot him in his sleep with a blaster.” Rey actually feels herself rolling her eyes.

“But you love Poe,” she says, sounding at least a little bit exasperated.

“Okay,” Finn admits, “that probably wasn’t a good example.”

“Nope,” Rey says, but she does feel a little better, at least. Finn has a tendency to do that, just by being around her.

“But, I’ve been talking to Poe,” Finn says, “and he says that it’s alright to feel a whole lot of things. There’s nothing wrong with feeling angry or jealous or anything if you don’t let it consume you.” Rey doesn’t really like to admit it, but sometimes she gets a little jealous of Poe, too.

“So you’re saying that it’s alright that I’m jealous?” Rey asks. The other question ( _Will it lead me to the dark side_?) remains unspoken.  

“Just as long as you don’t, like, I don’t know,” he says, trying to come up with an example of something Rey should not do, “sneak onto his ship and decapitate him in his sleep, I think that you’re good, Rey.” Rey actually cracks a grin at this.

“Well,” Rey says, “I wasn’t planning on doing that.”

Finn’s whole face lights up as he smiles and says, “Then you’re good.” She bumps her shoulder against his. He, in turn, bumps his shoulder against hers. Before they know it, they’re wrestling. It’s playful, and that’s something that Rey’s never had before. She’s never had anyone before.

They fall back onto the bed, Rey’s head across Finn’s chest, and they’re both laughing. They’re both done being scarred of the First Order. Rey doesn’t have a family, and thanks to Kylo, she doesn’t have Han either. But she has a place in the Resistance, Jedi training, and Finn by her side. She supposes that she doesn’t have too much room to be jealous after all. Kylo Ren threw everything he had away, anyways.


End file.
